geilta's blog

3/2/24 4:09 PM o'neill

I can't get a Planned Parenthood appointment soon and don't have DIY money this month, so no T. until my birthday. I was walking with L in the sunlight and explained that when my testosterone is low, my body feels the way it felt when I got electrocuted by the coffee maker at Starbucks. She brought me in for a hug, saying "Oh, god," and I cried in her arms, and cried twice more on the walk downtown, even though I haven't been able to cry a lot recently. We walked down Chorro St. and I looked at the spray of fine white alyssum/alison flowers and palm trees and overhanging oak branches clinging with lichen, and I cried again, as my body electrocuted itself and I became pure consciousness in a world without context, grateful to have a body that will one day become part of the rest of this, grateful to be part of a world that will twine in me and press on me when the human world feels so hostile, when every experience I have seems so unreal to people, when they have no context for what I say and I have no context for their peace. I cried in my electrocuting body, pure air, pure leaf, pure tree, no judgment where there is just soil and microbe and sky, and no space between.

A tall young white guy brashly shouting "FUCK that woke ass homo, bro, FUCK that-" while exiting the coffee shop that we were going in, downtown. Saturday.